Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
