I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
