The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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