I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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