My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
