Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
