When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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