I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
