He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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