soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize