I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
