I wish I could teleport
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
