This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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