we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
