there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
