she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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