i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just gargled with NyQuil
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
