I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
how drunk are you?
Several
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
