he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
