Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
