my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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