Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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