worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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