my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
