can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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