OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
