they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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