Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize