News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
