Tell her she can't have a vagina
he shaved USA in his pubs
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
