I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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