I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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