Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
