maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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