we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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