I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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