I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
