Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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