i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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