You just made me feel so damn special
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
