I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
