I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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