You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize