6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
