i wish there were pregnant emoticons
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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