how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
