Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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