masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
