Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
