i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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