I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
