My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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