first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
