look no pants
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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